Stay Warm, Stay Safe, Stay Dry

" I go through all this before you wake up, so i can be happier, to be safe with you again."

If you all dont have a Ben Shazby, i heavily suggest that you Craigslist.com for one. He is the tallest of the Yeti's the sturdiest of the mountains, the most lovely soul that you could imagine from a man who actually looks better in a mumu and glitter than all females of the female kind.
Find him on facebook. Love him.

The weeks leading up to the past two weeks, i cheated myself out of all the strength that i have accumulated through my 22 years of life. it is pitiful the credit i gave myself. i went through a two week crying binge, where i could feel my ears, eyes, and altogether well being being dehydrated from my salty exports. Its a lonely place, the land of tears. I just let myself cry because i just couldnt find my strength. i knew that i had used it uarlier, i knew that i had it somewhere, but i just COULDNT FIND IT. it felt like i had put it in storage, to be used for a later date. and i was relying on the strength and comfort of another to bulid up my ability to leave, breath and function. i remember a low point where i actually asked someone to make me happy. and then, overnight, i felt a wave of relief. instead of the impending abyss that i was expecting, i found my strenght. and it was easer than i ever could have imagined. my job is still trying, i am freexing my extremeties off in my roundavel, i go through days where i have no clue if i am wasting my time here, but i am doing it. and i dont have to convince myself that this strenght is a facade, because i know that it runs deep throughout my body.
so yes, i am good. i had a realization the other night about a week ago, after i had come home and made a complete mess of my roundavel from a pancake explosion, that no one was going to come help me clean up my mess. it was my mess. i was alone. it is my responsability to take care of myself. and that was terrifying. isnt complete liberty terrifying in some fundamental way? Yes. i just prayed out of loud that someone would feel my desperation and feel that i needed someone. But no one came, of course. So i am realizing more and more that i am on my own more than i ever thought possible. But then i realize how much i still rely on the beep of my text messages, the calls i breathe in deeply from my satelite phone, and the packages and cards and letters that you all send. and i know i am not alone.
Yesterday the ambassador came up to Thaba Tseka and Rebecca and i took him and his possee to a real live Basotho restaurant, and it was so interesting to see their reactions to what has become so natural so us. Rebecca is a living dream, ps. She has a love for people that i cant even fathom. And on a particular topic, she is objective, and i let my own wandering and catatonic mind fill in the blanks. But she is strong.
I feel like I have so much more to say, and i probably do. School has its ups and downs, we did a workshop last saturday and 30 teachers showed up, which was amazing, and we went over the Ministry math and science kits which they neglect to actually use in their classrooms. And monday, one of my teachers tried and experiment with her class and the way their faces lit up when they saw that the daily actiivities did not include copying notes all day was worth every second of trial that i let creep into my mind.
I miss you all. I miss Katherine's hair when we dance. I miss that Sarah got married. I miss laughing at everything with TWONGS, and admiring Natalie's every movement. I miss Athens.
I never really think about anything concrete in America that i miss. But every other day, i feel a particular breeze in Thaba Tseka that reminds my of a day that mom and i were in Highland Park going into Starbucks, or when Ryan and I went to terrorize manatees. Or a day i was landscaping and oogling Eli in Saranac. I've reached the age where i have memories far back in my mind that dont even feel real anymore. But when i realize they are real i sing halleluah amen for the people that have made my life a living dream.
Ten Things that quicken my heart
10. kisses on the forehead
9. twirling children and tickling them mercilesslely
8. finding life when you thought it was barren
7. my mom's taste in scarves
6. my sister katie
5. the mountains at dusk. aura: purple.
4. the hop before the cartwheel.
3. falling on your back after an incredible handstand
2. waking up next to becky boxes and singing her the good morning song and then relaying our dreams to each other
1. talking to katherine kennedy on the phone and feeling all the pain and stress in my body float towards the clouds.

love you all.